How to Drive in LA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L A, with accent on the second syllable: (el AY)

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. EXCEPTION: Friday's rush hour starts late morning on Thursday.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, match your speed to the highway number. Anything less is considered "wussy."

4. Forget traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version. For example, at a four-way stop the car or truck with the loudest muffler goes first; those with the biggest tires go second. EXCEPTION: in Malibu, all SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have right-of-way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended,cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. Or you'll be looking down the muzzle of someone's handy highway helper.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous throughout L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. MapQuest does not work here. None of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do, and all the freeway off- and on-ramps are relocated each night.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time. Just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments; by noon Thursday for Friday appointments; and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.